Up In The Air

Wow. The story of my life lately can be summed up by those four words.

Yes, I have a job. But no, I have no idea when I’ll be working past this Thursday. I am in a constant state of limbo, and I’m starting to see the effects on people around me. People I care about. I wish there was something I could do. Something concrete. Something sure. It sucks when my life affects me, but even more so when it affects those around me too. My life is a far cry from normal. I’ve forgotten what it looks like. I’ve forgotten why I came home. I’ve forgotten why I ever give anyone a chance to get close to me. I’ve forgotten my dreams. Where I want to go. Who I want to be. What I want to do. And now, I’m stuck. Stuck up in the air without a clue how to get down. How to normalize. How to get started with life again.

I guess you could say I feel like I’m not even living my life. I’m stuck in neutral. I can’t get out of it. I’m in a rut. Or, rather, I’m in a whirlwind of people, opinions, thoughts, actions, wants, needs, and directions. I don’t have my exit buddy. How am I supposed to jump without my exit buddy? I need someone to just come, take my hand, and lead me. I need it spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I’m sick of holding the reigns. I’m ready to give them up. Maybe then, I’ll know where I’m going, who I’m going to be, and what I’m going to do. Because I’ll have someone, there, with me, letting me know it’s OK.

I just want life to settle back down. I want to know when I can plan outings with friends. Where I can go to church and feel welcome. When I can go back to school, get my degree in linguistics and become fluent in Japanese and Turkish. When I can get out of student loan debt. Where I can go. What I can do. What I can be.


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